Professor Thaddeus Q. Tanqueray's Fantabulous Turd Polish

I've added some sites to the right, but don't get excited. Project These Apples is still less than thrilling.

Your Five is Only Half My Ten

This "Top Five" application on facebook is fun for me because it's basically an extension of my favorite type of blog: the list blog. Still, I feel limited by five. Ten has long been where it's at, as David Letterman has taught us.

I don't know, it feels like I can be comprehensive with a list of ten in a way that five won't allow me. For instance, in a list of my five top favorite tv shows of all time, I feel like I did a critical disservice to several of my favorites, both old and new. Sorry, That's My Bush and Andy Griffith, there's no room for you.

Anyway, my lists here will always be ten.

All for now.

A Bear in a Studebaker

I've been thinking about that part of The Muppet Movie where Rolf & Kermit are singing "I Hope That Something Better Comes Along," which, if you haven't seen it, what? Okay, here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IctDbZ-t1I

Anyway, after Rolf sings, "the pitter patter of soles, the little feet of tadpoles," and Kermit corrects him by saying "Um, Rolf, tadpoles don't have feet," Rolf says "Oh, sorry about that," which is very polite of him, because I would have looked Kermit right in the eye and said, "I AM A TALKING DOG, PLAYING A SONG THAT I JUST MADE UP FOR YOU ON THE PIANO."

That would've shut him up.

All for now.

Television and Whatnot

In conversation today, two friends and I observed that even though there doesn't seem to be as much good television as there used to be, what's worth watching is great. Without further ado, here is my list of ten shows you should be watching if you're not. For the most part, I'm not breaking any new ground here, but that doesn't make these recommendations any less significant. Bottom line - give each of these shows at least a three episode trial period, and be prepared to explain to me why you didn't like them.

1o. Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire - saw the pilot episode tonight, and I'm sold. It's a sword and sorcery comedy that hilariously glosses over and misinterprets fantasy fandom the way Hercules and Xena used to. That may make it seem a little behind the times, but don't worry - it's also just funny in a slightly anachronistic, wildly cheap-looking way. Comedy Central, Thursday nights (I think).

9. The Big Bang Theory - aside from being one of the Barenaked Ladies' final projects as a group (they did the opening theme), it's a truly smart, and even though it's a sitcomy as sitcoms get, an uncannily accurate representation of general geekdom. As a side note, Jim Parsons, who plays the aspbergerian Sheldon, is a Klein HS grad and a former member of Infernal Bridegroom. 7 p.m. Mondays, CBS

8. Important Things with Demetri Martin - it's hit or miss, but when it hits, oh mercy. Martin's humor is so smart that some sketches will require repeat viewings. If Sesame Street grew up and became a sketch comedy show, this would probably be pretty close. Comedy Central, Wednesday nights.

7. The Office - do I really have to get into this one? If you're familiar with it, but haven't watched in a while, you really do need to catch up. Several character paradigms are about to shift dramatically. NBC, Thursday nights.

6. 30 Rock - And while you're enjoying The Office, give Liz Lemon and the gang some love. This show is entirely too classy for its' own good, and owes a huge debt of gratitude to the fate of Arrested Development for NBC having the balls to keep it on the air. Watch it! NBC, Thursday nights.

5. Breaking Bad - If you haven't seen this show yet, be prepared. It will take over. It's already climbing in the ratings, and I'm expecting it to have Sopranos-style juggernautitude (yes, I just made that up!) by the time the third season comes around. How do I know? It's already been picked up, fools! AMC, Sunday nights.

4. John Adams - it's a miniseries, and it's over. I don't care. Go out and rent it if you don't want to buy it sight unseen. You will skip lunches for two weeks to save up and get it. Every moment of it is monumentally important and serves as a crucial reminder of the kind of people who made this country. HBO, run finished - available at all DVD outlets.

3. Kings - Ian McShane. You want to hear a man talk, you can't find a better hour and place to listen. NBC, Saturday night death slot.

2. How I Met Your Mother - I have such a hard time selling people on this one, and I can't understand why. Yes, it's a traditional three-camera sitcom with a laugh track, but no laugh in there is sweetened or cheap. Plus, it provides a dynamite five-person ensemble: Josh Radnor, Alyson Hannigan, Jason Segel, Cobie Smulders, and Neil Patrick Harris, an impeccable sense of continuity (even better than The Office in this regard), and many, many quotable, memorable moments, often associated with one Barney - wait for it - Stinson. This show is firmly ensconced, does well in the ratings, and will finish on it's own terms - but that doesn't mean you should put it off until it's over. CBS, Monday nights.

1. Mad Men - what can I say that hasn't already been said? One of my favorite plays is Night and Her Stars, a Richard Greenberg piece about the quiz show scandal of the 1950's. The language is gorgeous - no one writes like Greenberg... except these guys. Watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2bLNkCqpuY

thank me later, and watch Mad Men. They're replaying the 2nd season right now, and the 3rd season kicks off this summer.

All for now.

I Should Explain

Julius Caesar. That's why you haven't heard more from me lately.

www.towncentertheatre.com

We'll get something going after April 5, promise.

All for now.

This is a Scare Tactic, Right?

I mean, there's no way that the Astros are this bad... at least I hope not.

Wait, do I? I love baseball, and will probably watch a butt of games this season anyway, but as long as losing 100 games doesn't result in Oswalt, Berkman, and Pence being sold off for spare parts, would that really hurt so much this year?

From an economic standpoint, probably. Houston is one of those towns that refuses to sponsor you unless you're the biggest and the best always. Still, it would be nice to have dibs on one one of the top three draft picks in 2010.

Then Something Went Wrong with Faye Wray and King Kong

It's time to discuss an issue in my geekery:

The Order of the Stick is this fantastic little webcomic that I love to read, but I'm consternated by the slowed output of it's creator, Rich Burlew. On the one hand, I feel I have no right to complain about something that is free and otherwise wonderful, but at the same time, it's very difficult when a story is at a critical juncture for strips to stop appearing three times per week and start appearing once every 7 - 10 days. And this isn't something recent, either. It's been months, man.

I know whatever is causing this - writers block? distractions caused by the release of his next book? - is not my business, but at the same time, I feel some sort of explanation would assuage my frustrations. And it's minor, I know it's such a minor thing in life, but lately I feel like the defining trademark of being a fan is setting yourself up for disappointment - whether it's Steven Page leaving BNL or 30 Rock ingnoring the secondary characters that made it so appealing in the first place - and I don't want that. And more than anything, I don't want another Firefly - a situation where I get so completely enthralled with something only to have it yanked out from under me.

So, Rich - in the extraordinarily unlikely event that you read this, let your fans know what's up. Or, if it's simply because you've become wildly successful, and therefore lazy, well then, get your ass back to work.

All for now.

Scheduled Spring Training Television Broadcasts

Obviously, you'll need FOX Sports Houston in order to view these games.

Thursday, February 26, 12:05 p.m., @ ATL (ESPN)

Friday, March 20, 12:05 p.m. vs. CIN

Monday, March 23, 12:05 p.m. vs. FLA

Tuesday, March 24, 12:05 p.m. vs. NYM

Wednesday, March 25, 12:05 p.m. @ STL

Tuesday, March 31, 6:05 p.m. vs. ATL

Saturday, April 4, 1:05 p.m. vs. CLE (at Minute Maid Park)

Otherwise, you can catch games on the radio, usually on 790 AM. Most games are day games - 12:05 p.m., but it's all subject to change. For a complete schedule, go here: http://houston.astros.mlb.com/schedule/index.jsp?c_id=hou&m=2&y=2009

If you're listening on your computer, you can get the entire MLB radio package for $15 / year, which is a tremendous bargain.

Let 2009 begin!

12:05 p.m. Central on AM 790 (Houston)

End of Winter
by: Eve Merriam

Bare-handed reach
to catch
April's
incoming curve.
Leap higher
than you thought you could and
Hold:
Spring,
Solid,
Here.

A Deleted Scene from "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown"

PSYCHIATRIC HELP, 5 CENTS


(Outdoors. From Peanuts, the “Psychiatric Help, 5 cents” booth. LUCY is singing to CHARLIE BROWN.)

LUCY: Yes! It’s amazingly true! For whatever it’s worth, Charlie Brown – you’re you!

CHARLIE: Gosh, Lucy! I feel so much better. You’re a true friend. A true friend.

LUCY: That’ll be 5 cents, please.

(Musical button. Playoff as CHARLIE BROWN crosses the stage to another booth, this one also advertising pyschiatric help for a nickel. Behind this booth sits CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.)

WALKEN: Hello, Chuck. Why so glum?

CHARLIE BROWN: Well, Christopher Walken, Lucy’s advice always seems like a good idea at first, but afterwards, I realize it’s all just a big joke at my expense. I don’t know what to do.

WALKEN: You know, I once had a problem much like the one you are describing.

CHARLIE BROWN: Really?

WALKEN: Yes. You see, one time, I was hosting Saturday Night Live, and Cheri Oteri got the idea up her pants to play a trick on me. She replaced my cue cards with nude images of Savion Glover. All in all, it was very distracting.

CHARLIE BROWN: What?

WALKEN: It made me feel very insecure, inside. I liken the sensation to being on a Japanese game show where they force you to eat your own dog... or, you know, having someone “thump” you on the forehead. I hate that.

CHARLIE BROWN: That’s terrible! It’s just like how Lucy always tries to get me to kick the football! I know she’s going to take it away before I can kick it, but somehow, I always fall for it.

WALKEN: I don’t think that’s the same at all. Now, listen to my story, because it’s very important. You see, Cheri thought she was making a big joke for people to laugh at, and perhaps she was, but what she didn’t know was that I was waiting for her in her car after the show was over.

CHARLIE BROWN: I don’t think I like where this story is going.

WALKEN: I took her back to the home I keep in upstate New Hampshire. There, under the watchful eye of the wheat fields, I cut out her tounge and taught her the joys and pain of a lifetime of yard work. Until the day she dies from exposure to the sun’s weathering elements, she will trim my hedge maze, grooming it until it becomes a mighty fortress.

CHARLIE BROWN: Oh my God.

WALKEN: You know, people tell me now that they never really liked Cheri Oteri when she was on Saturday Night Live. Still, no one has ever sent me a “Thank You” note. It’s very rude.

CHARLIE BROWN: Listen, here’s 5 cents. I think I’d better be going... Snoopy’s gonna be hungry, and...

WALKEN: Charlie Brown... is such a funny name. I watch a lot of “Murphy Brown.” Have you ever seen it?

CHARLIE BROWN: No...

WALKEN: It comes on Nick at Nite. Promise me you’ll never appear on “Murphy Brown,” Chuck. Because that would just be, (laughs) too weird!

CHARLIE BROWN: You got it.

WALKEN: That’ll be 5 cents, please.

CHARLIE BROWN: But I just gave you –

WALKEN: That’ll be 5 cents, Chuck. Don’t make me argue.

CHARLIE BROWN: No! No arguments here. Well, I’ve got to be going...

(HE bolts.)

WALKEN: What a strange child.

The End.

I'm Blinding You With Science

FYI - Tomorrow's poem won't be by me, it's something I re-post at the beginning of every baseball season when Spring Training games start. Today is me, though.

Adaptation

Lichen attaches to all sorts of surfaces,
and moss grows on trees
wherever it’s damp.
When it’s warm enough
sure there are ferns to be found,
and conifers are in need
of huge spaces to camp.
Then angiosperms
(those plants that have flowers)
grow in few places and may
bloom only one time
when the weather is right,
and the soil isn’t over-packed,
and the bedrock beneath
must be shale, or it’s lime.
Their pistils burst forth
with one type of pollen
for one type of insect –
it’s taking a chance,
when your needs are so tailored to the world
around you, you’d die otherwise,
and that’s called an advance.

Ashes to Northern Ash, Dust to Rosin

This Wednesday is

1. Ash Wednesday, one of the more obviously ritualistic days on the Catholic calendar, and
2. the day of the first Spring Training game for our local nine (or in this case, initial squad of about fifty)!

I'm bringing this up because I will consider giving up a great many things for Lent, but if someone were to suggest I go without baseball for forty days, starting on the very day that it returns to our lives, especially after this past off-season, I would laugh until you gave up the idea, and if you still persisted, I would beat you with a bat and then give you up for Lent.

Ladies and gentlemen, our long national nightmare is nearly at a close. Rejoice, and be glad!

All for now.

Stopping By Robert Frost's Car on a Sunny Afternoon

Here's an oldie, but a goodie. One day at UST, a gentleman came to lecture on Robert Frost, and he brought a car that Frost rode in. He parked that car in the middle of the sidewalk on our academic mall. So I wrote this and put it on the car's winshield. It lasted all of five minutes.

Who's car this is I think I know,
he's slowly decomposing, though.
He will not mind me stopping here
to admire the automobile he drove.

My friend, he thinks it strange, you see -
the actions of the university.
The sidewalk is no place for cars
of the Poet Laureate of Kennedy.

He gives my striped shirt-sleeve a shake
to tell me it is getting late.
I hate to quit this old antique,
but see no cause to procrastinate.

The maroon hue is lovely, dark, and deep,
but I wish that it had been a jeep
with mileage that was not so steep,
with mileage that was not so steep.

All for now.

You Should Try Not to End Sentences with a Preposition at.

Taking a cue from The Blogess... I think this pretty much sums up what we've been about so far, wouldn't you say?



I would like to see someone like Lover of Strife or French Roast try this, as they have written roughly one billion words more than I have.

All for now.

Yes, This Blog is Also About Baseball. No, You Cannot Have Another Puppy.

I'm going through withdrawls.

Had lunch with a friend today, talked about baseball. Got back to the office, can't stop thinking about baseball. Even the idea of Roger Clemens rubbing liniment on his testicles can't deter my need to watch grown men throw balls and swing bats.

All for now.

Love (n.)

Words fail me
but you
never do.

These Are the Thoughts That Keep Me Awake at Night

Were you aware that in 1956 a pair of commercial jets were involved in a mid-air collision over the Grand Canyon? Thanks to Wikipedia (the - online encyclopedia *wait for it* ANYONE can edit), I do, now.

I know, I know it happened over fifty years ago. One of my parents wasn't even alive then, and it's silly to be terrified about it, but when I read the article, my knees wouldn't work for an hour afterward. I'm still really freaked out about it and I read this article the day of the U.S. Airways incident (the Hudson River one where even those who ordered chicken got fish), which was two weeks ago, nearly.

At the risk of sounding non-specific, some things are just not your thing, man. And flying in an aerro-plane - well, that is simply not my scene.

All for now.

Blah-g.

This blog is not a winner in 2009.

Anyway, I added some links in the "also good" section, and if you hadn't may I recommend Franz's "A Great Big Ugly..."? It's one of the blogs I follow, and it operates at a fantastic level of genius. Like me, he does not post frequently, but when he does, it's light-years ahead of anything I put up here.

All for now.

I'm Bill McNeal! On Crack! I like Boys!

I think part of the reason my brain has been so quiet recently is because of the darkness in my soul that is a lack of BASEBALL. We're a little over halfway through the offseason, and I'm really starting to feel it. I want to talk about it, I want to see it, and I really want to hear it. Even the gentle hum of a spring training exhibition in the background would be an all-healing salve for me about now.

I had a fever the last couple of days, and I thought it was attributed to bacteria or a virus, or something, but it is not. It is baseball fever. Now put our your cereal so I can sneeze in it, because it's the most delicious fever of all to have.

All for now.

Never Brought to Mind

Sorry, folks. I'm in a dry spell, and I don't want to keep posting the crappy type of blogs I've been putting up lately.

Quality over quantity. I promise the next time I write, it'll be because it's good.

Thanks for understanding.

All for now.